I Almost Killed My Son

by T. G.

After I committed my crime, I realized something was desperately wrong with me. I didn't know who I was anymore. I became the person I hated. This realization was like a brick striking me between the eyes. I needed help. And I knew I couldn't get that help by sitting around and doing nothing. I started with the yellow pages. I must have called more than 50 organizations. Everyone kept telling me that they couldn't help (but only after I told them what I did). I didn't blame them--I was a monster. Finally I called the one place I didn't want to call.

I called Child Protective Services (CPS). The caseworker that took my children away from me gave me a number to a place called Child and Family Guidance. She even made the appointment for me. All I had to do was be there. I went to meet Mr. B, a licensed professional counselor (LPC). I knew Mr. B had to report everything I said to CPS because CPS paid for a number of my counseling sessions. I was pretty nervous about telling a complete stranger about my crime, but I knew that if I was ever going to be human again then I would have to tell this stranger my story. With hopes that he could help me, I told him.

When I was through telling him what I did, I sat there staring at him waiting for him to dash across the room and pulverize me. God knows I deserved it. I was surprised when he just looked at me and said, "We will work through this thing. It will be hard, but you will be okay."

The CPS caseworker also gave me the number to Addicare and told me that I should enroll in their Stress and Anger Management class. I did. Later, I called her at CPS and told her thank you for her help. She gave me another number to a place called Family Outreach. I called them and enrolled in their parenting class. That was an eye-opening experience in understanding kids--the best I've ever had. I've learned so much about children and how best to react to their different temperaments.

At Addicare I met a man who taught me so much. He opened my eyes so I could begin to understand myself. I never realized that I was such an angry person until he showed me just how tight I was wound. We talked about road rage, in-laws, neighbors, bosses, co-workers; we talked about every little thing that added to the stress and anger of my everyday life. He said it's like a rubber band that you keep stretching and stretching until--snap! You explode. And when that rubber band snaps someone is going to get hurt. That's when that brick hit me between the eyes again. BINGO! People would tell me not to get so angry. "I'm not angry," I would say. "I'm just not happy." I always had the misconception that anger was punching someone in the mouth.

Boy was I wrong. Punching someone in the mouth is violence. Anger comes long before violence. Anger is an emotion. Violence is an action. I sure took me a long time to learn that. And the most devastating part of all? I learned this simple lesson too late. My rubber band had already snapped and I hurt someone I dearly love.

That action tore my family apart. My mother was crippled with disbelief. My in-laws absolutely hated me. I will always carry the knowledge of what I did like a weight on my back for the rest of my life and longer.

I learned a lot from these organizations. Mr. B helped me learn about the impact my childhood had on me and how it led to my irresponsible action. The man at Addicare taught me how to handle anger. He showed me many ways to release my stress without violence. How to resolve issues responsibly. The parenting class showed me just how great children are. Every time I see little ones on television, all I can think of is how beautiful children are and how very much I love my kids. When I see a child on the news that has been hurt, I become angry and choke back my tears, but I know my anger will not help that child. I have to turn that anger into something positive. Something that some day will help lots of children.

I have a need to help children. I know this can never erase the pain I have caused my family, but I'll be damned if I sit by and do nothing or be the cause of such pain ever again. Now I am utilizing this time to learn about myself, my emotions, my actions, and the effects of my actions. Like I've said, I have learned a lot from these organizations. And just because I was sent to prison cannot be used as an excuse for me to stop learning about myself and the effects I can have on the world.

I have been taking an active role in my future. I studied in a class called "Cognitive Interaction." I enrolled in "College Prep," but was later told that my educational assessment scores were too high to warrant the need for that class. Wanting to continue learning I enrolled in "Construction Carpentry Vocation." The class was very easy for me. And this is where I learned that I'm no dummy. In this class I learned how much I enjoy helping others. When the guys in the class would have a problem with their studies, they could come to me. The satisfaction I would get in seeing someone smile at me and say, "I think I understand now. Thank you." Filled me with hope. WOW! I just helped that person learn something that could someday help him take care of his family and himself. I really like that.

I have read a lot of books and magazines, and I really enjoy my newspaper. I just wish there were more happy things to report. I've read a lot of self-help books, mainly psychology. I enjoy poetry, and tons of history. I never knew the story behind the Berlin Wall. Now I do. Talk about a stubborn government! I have also been learning along a spiritual path. I am Jewish, and for more than two years now I have really been studying about the Jewish culture and Jewish beliefs. One of the beliefs I feel strongest about is that we are responsible for each other. It is my duty and my privilege to help my neighbor.

Taking that belief one step further I see my duty in teaching people how we can stop the violence. It's my duty to teach and protect children as well. I am responsible. And part of being responsible is to educate myself in the various agencies available and how I can be of service to them and their mission. These are some goals I have set for myself and I am confident, with my new-found desire to help, I will accomplish what I have set out to do.

I hope and pray my son is doing well.